I have never been much of a journal keeper, but there are
significant lessons or experiences in my life when I feel prompted to record.
I dont know if it's more for me to organize my thoughts and cope or maybe someone else needs to read or hear the same thing, but this entry is something I’ve had on my mind for the past two years and have
struggled to put into words. My mom was put through the trial of her lifetime
when she was diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer. These are my own
thoughts on our family’s two-year fight, from the heart and eyes of her
daughter.
From the
day I was born, to the day that she died, I would describe my mom as selfless
and loving. She lived for her family, specifically her kids, and her
grandson. She went above and beyond with extra curriculars, birthdays,
Christmas, any holiday really, and she was there for us 100% of the time. She
was at every sporting event, every dance recital, every school play, and the
list goes on and on. She set very high expectations of what a mother should be.
As a kid it was so easy to take her for granted. We learned the hard way in May
of 2015 that bad things happen to good people. Great people. And from that
moment on I never took a day spent with my mom for granted. I probably bugged
her too much to go on adventures with Rhett and I, but I cherish every memory
the three of us shared. My mom lived for her grandson and she spoiled him
like nobody’s business and well, that
little boy whole-heartedly adored her right back. It hurts to think none of my
future children will know her like Rhett does and I fear she will one day
become a distant memory of his. But, I inherited my obsessive picture taking
from her and probably have a photo from every play date spent with the three
of us and I hope even though Rhett won’t remember all the details that when he
sees a picture of his grandma or hears a mention of her, it will bring a smile to
his face and he will remember how much she loved him.
My mom is a
fighter and being so strong blessed us with an extra two years with her. She
really lived life to the fullest during this time. She was able to take a
Mexican cruise with her family, see Quinten graduate high school and leave on his
mission, travel to Idaho to see Makaela graduate, followed by a trip to
Yellowstone, multiple trips to Arizona to see her parents, several trips to
Legoland, the beach, the park, the arcade, you name it. She had two years to
fight and spend every waking second with her family.
The amount
of pain and procedures and hospital visits this woman endured is incredible. I
don’t think I would have ever been as brave as she was during this entire time and yet, her concern was always for us, her kids. I think it hurt her more to see us
hurt and as a mom you want to protect your children from pain and sadness.
Mom was a pure example of faith and
we felt the blessings of everyone’s prayers consistently flooding in, even down
to her last breath. Her health declined rapidly over the past month and we knew
the end was drawing near. This week has been emotionally draining, but it
surprises me the peace I have felt during this tragic event. I found the smallest
things brought me joy throughout the week and I really started focusing on all
the wonderful things I do have in my life. We have a Ducks flag on our car
right now for playoffs and someone honking at me the other day shouting, “Go
Ducks!” out their window just totally made my day. Later I took Rhett and Sadie for a
walk on the coast and just felt so calm and comforted. I could feel
Heavenly Father’s arms wrapped around me through these small and simple things.
Even when the nurse called at 10:30 last night telling us she didn’t think mom
would make it through the night we saw the blessings. The blessing of her
making it past midnight so she didn’t leave us on my dad’s birthday. The fact
that she held on an extra 2 hours so Makaela and Kyle could make it in time to
say good bye. The fact that my dad had a letter in the mailbox that day from
Quinten with his conversion story, we were able to read it to mom, and all feel
the comfort from that. She was blessed the entire time with an amazing medical
staff at Scripps Encinitas, who always kept us in the loop and sympathized with
us. And Makaela is able to stay for the week so my dad doesn’t have to wake up
to an empty house. Life is so so hard sometimes, but God is good. And if you
look for it, you can see His hand in your life, especially through the hardest
of times.
I’m heart broken. I have a headache from crying so much and can barely apply mascara to my puffy eyes, but
what I feel most is blessed and lucky. I feel lucky to have been born to the
best mother ever. To have a mom who gave me every ounce of love I needed and
then some. A mom who raised me in the gospel of Jesus Christ and showed me what
it is to have self worth as a daughter of God. My mom taught me basic things
that get lost in today’s world like manners and just general kindness. She
showed me what it meant to be a true friend even when it wasn’t always
reciprocated. I grew up sheltered, but I feel so so blessed that she “hid” me
from the storms of the world. My parents gave me a loving home to learn
and grow up in. Although I feel like our time with her was cut short, I wouldn’t
trade the amazing 26 years I did have with her for anything! I will cherish our
memories forever and even more so the ones we shared with my son. I can only
hope to be a fraction of the mother she is, but I think the best compliment
would be if someday my children felt about me the way I feel about her. I am grateful for the life I have
been given. I have two wonderful parents, two supportive siblings, and a very
special husband and son of my own. This mortal life is merely a short period of
time compared to eternity. I believe time will fly much faster for mom than it
will for us here, but there will come a time in the future when all of us will be reunited
again and it will be a joyous reunion. I am so grateful for eternal families and for my testimony.
I love you always mom! XOXO
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