First Experience with Letting Go

So tonight, or should I say morning considering it's 12am? I am THAT mom. You know, the mom who's a blubbering mess, suddenly not-so-excited for the first day of preschool? I wasn't going to be THAT mom.

I have been counting down the days to preschool for the past 2 years. I've been dreaming of all the things I'd get to do by myself for 3 whole hours! Things like eating a bowl of cereal with no interruptions from a three year old calling for more milk or requesting I open the yogurt lid. I've been imagining what it'd be like to take a shower without someone calling for me to wipe their tush while I'm mid shampoo. I'd get to drive in peace and quiet to pick him up, and listen to what I want on the radio and not the " Try Try" song (Shiny from Moana) eight times in a row.

I've pictured this perfect setting where my firecracker of a child will get some discipline from someone other than me. Or maybe I just like the fact the discipline won't be my problem for three hours. I want my son to love school and come home proudly reciting his ABC's. I want him to come home singing silly, new songs that'll get stuck in my head. I've thought about how perfect it'd be for him to fall asleep on the way home because school was such an awesome energy outlet. I've imagined what kind of friends he'd make or if the kids would even be nice. It may have even crossed my mind that preschool is my toddler's way to make up for those three hour naps he dropped 6 months ago. I have dreamt about what kind of human my son would grow into as he embarks on this journey of school and friends and the beginning of life.

But tonight, seven hours before he attends his first day of preschool, all those thoughts and questions lack any significance. All I can think about is the fact that ready or not my baby is growing up.The toddler years have been trying, but in this moment I want to freeze time. Keep him three forever. Soak in the unlimited kisses and the "Mommy, I love you bests" and the full on belly laughs. I want to savor the way he looks at me like I've never failed him, even though I'm certain at times I already have. When I ask him who his best friend is, my heart melts when he says, "mommy." I want to be the person my child sees me as.

While raising kids is hard and can, at times, take so much out of you, it is a job unlike any other. No job on the planet is as rewarding as parenting. Being a mom has taught me selflessness. It's taught me unconditional love. I'm still working on it teaching me patience, but considering my son is still alive I'd say I'm on the right track. Parenting has taught me to let go of the little things. That it's ok for the house to be messy. Sometimes. It's shown me that singing "The Farmer in the Dell" (is that even what the song is called?!) forty times is so much more important than scrolling through my newsfeed. Having a child has reminded me what it was like to be one. To live without a care in the world. To have an imagination that took you anywhere you wanted to go. To have such a blissful, positive outlook on life. My son has reminded how significant my role is. For me and for him. It is my responsibility to raise him up right. To teach him manners and respect. To help him learn how to deal with whatever life throws his way.

I grew up with a pretty good example of that myself. It's hard to think that tomorrow is a milestone I would be sharing with my son AND my mom. She'd be comforting me right now and telling me she felt the same way dropping me off on my first day. I'm almost certain she would have been waking up early to come with us for the big drop-off tomorrow. My mom told us, my siblings and I, our entire lives that she loved us more than anything in the world. I never got it until I had my own baby. I didn't know it was possible to love someone so hard. With every literal ounce of your being. But it is. And tomorrow is the first day of the rest of my son's life that I have to share him. I'll have to share him with teachers and friends. With sports and coaches. With future girlfriends, Heaven help me. But there is one thing I'm certain. No one will ever love my baby boy more than me. Nothing compares to a mother's love for her child except for maybe God's love for us. For now, I'm going to hug my boy a little tighter, sing with him a little longer, and laugh with him a lot louder. Because it will help me manage my three whole hours of letting go. I'm sure this is the first of many times that I'll be THAT mom. Sorry buddy!

To My Mother

To My Mother ( By: Talia Tyler)

To my mother, how I love you dear

It’s hard to imagine life without you here.

Throughout this life, hard as it may be

There are some lessons I took with me.

You taught me to laugh and that it’s ok to cry

What you didn’t teach me is how to say goodbye.

But don’t worry mom, I’ll be ok

Because if I close my eyes I can hear you say:

Be kind, give thanks, and open the door

‘Cause you never know who will need a kind gesture more.

Love your family and be a good friend

Build relationships that will last til the end.

Always be you, a daughter of God

For you, a hard life, the Savior did trod.

Every big moment I’ve shared with you

School, marriage, and a baby too.

But we both know it began long before then

You were always at every game to see me win.

Years full of dance recitals, you came to them all

Because of your support I never could fall.

When I needed a hug or a listening year

You’d give me your attention and draw me in near.

And don’t get me started on holidays,

Oh how you spoiled us in so many way.

From gifts, to cake, to a text in the morning

You made every birthday feel like I was soaring.

But here’s where I truly saw everything you’d done,

When that morning in April I welcomed a son.

I never understood what a mother’s love meant

Until I held that little boy that Heaven sent.

Motherhood is hard and yet, you kept us alive

Some days I feel like I’ll barely survive.

You opened my eyes to unconditional love

And how important eternal families are, here and above.

Of course I’m emotional, heartbroken, and sad

But somehow there’s a part of me that still feels glad.

Glad I was born to a wonderful mother like you

Blessed to have this life I was meant to go through.

Even though it feels like we’re so far apart,

I still feel the spirit warm and comfort my heart.

You taught me how to fight to live a rich life

To continue smiling through the grief and the strife.

Mom, what a selfless woman you are

You taught me to always reach for the stars.

Every part of life makes me think of you

Because I love you so much mother, I really do.

Some thoughts for Mom

I have never been much of a journal keeper, but there are significant lessons or experiences in my life when I feel prompted to record. I dont know if it's more for me to organize my thoughts and cope or maybe someone else needs to read or hear the same thing, but this entry is something I’ve had on my mind for the past two years and have struggled to put into words. My mom was put through the trial of her lifetime when she was diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer. These are my own thoughts on our family’s two-year fight, from the heart and eyes of her daughter.

From the day I was born, to the day that she died, I would describe my mom as selfless and loving. She lived for her family, specifically her kids, and her grandson. She went above and beyond with extra curriculars, birthdays, Christmas, any holiday really, and she was there for us 100% of the time. She was at every sporting event, every dance recital, every school play, and the list goes on and on. She set very high expectations of what a mother should be. As a kid it was so easy to take her for granted. We learned the hard way in May of 2015 that bad things happen to good people. Great people. And from that moment on I never took a day spent with my mom for granted. I probably bugged her too much to go on adventures with Rhett and I, but I cherish every memory the three of us shared. My mom lived for her grandson and she spoiled him like nobody’s business and well, that little boy whole-heartedly adored her right back. It hurts to think none of my future children will know her like Rhett does and I fear she will one day become a distant memory of his. But, I inherited my obsessive picture taking from her and probably have a photo from every play date spent with the three of us and I hope even though Rhett won’t remember all the details that when he sees a picture of his grandma or hears a mention of her, it will bring a smile to his face and he will remember how much she loved him.

My mom is a fighter and being so strong blessed us with an extra two years with her. She really lived life to the fullest during this time. She was able to take a Mexican cruise with her family, see Quinten graduate high school and leave on his mission, travel to Idaho to see Makaela graduate, followed by a trip to Yellowstone, multiple trips to Arizona to see her parents, several trips to Legoland, the beach, the park, the arcade, you name it. She had two years to fight and spend every waking second with her family.

The amount of pain and procedures and hospital visits this woman endured is incredible. I don’t think I would have ever been as brave as she was during this entire time and yet, her concern was always for us, her kids. I think it hurt her more to see us hurt and as a mom you want to protect your children from pain and sadness. 

Mom was a pure example of faith and we felt the blessings of everyone’s prayers consistently flooding in, even down to her last breath. Her health declined rapidly over the past month and we knew the end was drawing near. This week has been emotionally draining, but it surprises me the peace I have felt during this tragic event. I found the smallest things brought me joy throughout the week and I really started focusing on all the wonderful things I do have in my life. We have a Ducks flag on our car right now for playoffs and someone honking at me the other day shouting, “Go Ducks!” out their window just totally made my day. Later I took Rhett and Sadie for a walk on the coast and just felt so calm and comforted. I could feel Heavenly Father’s arms wrapped around me through these small and simple things. Even when the nurse called at 10:30 last night telling us she didn’t think mom would make it through the night we saw the blessings. The blessing of her making it past midnight so she didn’t leave us on my dad’s birthday. The fact that she held on an extra 2 hours so Makaela and Kyle could make it in time to say good bye. The fact that my dad had a letter in the mailbox that day from Quinten with his conversion story, we were able to read it to mom, and all feel the comfort from that. She was blessed the entire time with an amazing medical staff at Scripps Encinitas, who always kept us in the loop and sympathized with us. And Makaela is able to stay for the week so my dad doesn’t have to wake up to an empty house. Life is so so hard sometimes, but God is good. And if you look for it, you can see His hand in your life, especially through the hardest of times.       

I’m heart broken. I have a headache from crying so much and can barely apply mascara to my puffy eyes, but what I feel most is blessed and lucky. I feel lucky to have been born to the best mother ever. To have a mom who gave me every ounce of love I needed and then some. A mom who raised me in the gospel of Jesus Christ and showed me what it is to have self worth as a daughter of God. My mom taught me basic things that get lost in today’s world like manners and just general kindness. She showed me what it meant to be a true friend even when it wasn’t always reciprocated. I grew up sheltered, but I feel so so blessed that she “hid” me from the storms of the world. My parents gave me a loving home to learn and grow up in. Although I feel like our time with her was cut short, I wouldn’t trade the amazing 26 years I did have with her for anything! I will cherish our memories forever and even more so the ones we shared with my son. I can only hope to be a fraction of the mother she is, but I think the best compliment would be if someday my children felt about me the way I feel about her. I am grateful for the life I have been given. I have two wonderful parents, two supportive siblings, and a very special husband and son of my own. This mortal life is merely a short period of time compared to eternity. I believe time will fly much faster for mom than it will for us here, but there will come a time in the future when all of us will be reunited again and it will be a joyous reunion. I am so grateful for eternal families and for my testimony.

Our family has received so many acts of service during this difficult time and we appreciate all the visits, flowers, cards, meals, yard work, prayers and all around support. This experience would have been much more difficult without all the wonderful people we have in our lives.

I love you always mom! XOXO