Melanie Grace {9.6.2018}

It's about time I found a minute to record Melanie's birth story. Let me tell you though, going from one kid to two is an adjustment. There are literally no seconds to spare in the day. We're now late everywhere and I look and feel like a hot mess every. single. day.

Melanie's story kind of goes back to before we even planned on having her. This sweet, little girl is our rainbow baby. I experienced an early miscarriage in the summer of 2016, amidst everything going on with my mom. Without going too much in to it, I find it such a blessing. The baby's due date was around the same time my mom returned to the hospital and eventually passed away. The Lord knew I needed that short time with her. It was the last time I got with her.

Dealing with the emotional roller coaster of losing my mom, I had no desire to try and get pregnant again right away. I kept telling Erik next Christmas, next Christmas I'll be ready. And i was. Then the blessings flooded in. We got pregnant first try. I had a relatively easy, healthy pregnancy. I was able to jazzercise up until delivery day. Everything was as close to perfect as it could get. I was so nervous about finding out the sex though. I really felt like if it was a girl it would connect me to my mom. She told me if she returned home early she'd put in a good word for me to get my girl. I knew it wasn't a fair prayer to ask, but i desperately needed to feel her. I was nervous to have a baby without her. I hated knowing my future children would never have the same memories that I or Rhett had with her. We ended up doing an elective ultrasound to hopefully find out the sex early at 14 weeks and when the sonographer said, "it's a girl!" I felt a rush of emotion. It felt too good to be true. It was the first time I'd felt my mom since her burial service. From that moment on, Melanie really felt like a direct blessing from Heavenly Father AND my mom.

 As far as names go, Erik and I have always struggled with agreeing on girl names. I had a laundry list of what I thought were beautiful names and Erik vetoed all of them. He had a short list of names he knew I'd hate and he was right. I've always loved the name Grace. Erik not so much. But I knew it was the perfect name for this baby girl, since it was through the grace of God that we had made it through the past two years and were now expecting this perfect, little daughter. So, we settled on it as a middle name. Melanie was the only girl name we could agree on so that's all there is to that.

Melanie's due date was September 23, 2018, but because of my experience with Rhett we scheduled a planned c-section for September 18th. But alas, babies still have their own idea of timing and at my 37 week doctor appointment we found that my blood pressure had spiked. I hadn't had high blood pressure the whole pregnancy. So after undergoing multiple non-stress tests and blood work in labor and delivery at the hospital,  I was diagnosed with preeclampsia. The OB on call gave me the option of either waiting the pregnancy out, with the likelihood of being in and out of the doctor's office and hospital to monitor my blood pressure, or to have the baby delivered that night. Initially the idea of not being pregnant anymore sounded great, but that feeling quickly faded and I no longer felt so ready. We didn't have arrangements made for Rhett that early and I didn't feel mentally prepared yet. Do you ever really feel prepared though? But, I knew I was healthy, other than my blood pressure, and I knew Melanie was healthy, so I figured why risk running into complications by waiting, when we could opt for a safe delivery now? And that's what we did.

 Melanie was delivered on September 6, 2018 at 2:22 am. Why my babies always have to drag their deliveries out into the wee hours of the morning I don't know, but the surgery and delivery were successful. Melanie was a healthy 8 lbs 7 oz and 20 inches long at 37 weeks, 5 days. She passed her newborn and hearing tests with flying colors and was the absolute best thing to happen to me in three years.

My c-section was so much better this time around too. It was nice not having to labor for 24 hours first and it was weird being so alert and aware of what was going on during the procedure. I think the funniest thing I recall this time was wondering why the medical personnel kept counting to 41 while they were "putting me back together." Apparently, they were counting to make sure they got all the sponges out! I think my favorite moment was hearing Melanie's cry for the first time. It was loud, but was the best sound because I knew she was finally here. I knew she was well and we had finally made it. I also made sure to get a picture in the OR this time. I look like crap in it, but I think a photo like that brings back every emotion you felt in that moment and those kinds of images are priceless.

Melanie met her big brother, Rhett, that night and you would have thought it was Christmas morning! He was SO excited to meet her. He kept kissing her and touching her and made sure to introduce her to every person who walked through our room. Every day we were in the hospital he asked when he could bring her home. I think our fresh 48 session really captures how in love Rhett is with his little sister.

This baby is literally a dream. I've wanted a girl for so long and to feel connected to my mom through her is the coolest blessing. Even through her fussy hours and constant eating (for her), lack of sleep for me, I can't help but feel so blessed to have her. I hope I never take her for granted, but I am human after all. Just know I love you more than words could ever describe Melanie Grace!

First Experience with Letting Go

So tonight, or should I say morning considering it's 12am? I am THAT mom. You know, the mom who's a blubbering mess, suddenly not-so-excited for the first day of preschool? I wasn't going to be THAT mom.

I have been counting down the days to preschool for the past 2 years. I've been dreaming of all the things I'd get to do by myself for 3 whole hours! Things like eating a bowl of cereal with no interruptions from a three year old calling for more milk or requesting I open the yogurt lid. I've been imagining what it'd be like to take a shower without someone calling for me to wipe their tush while I'm mid shampoo. I'd get to drive in peace and quiet to pick him up, and listen to what I want on the radio and not the " Try Try" song (Shiny from Moana) eight times in a row.

I've pictured this perfect setting where my firecracker of a child will get some discipline from someone other than me. Or maybe I just like the fact the discipline won't be my problem for three hours. I want my son to love school and come home proudly reciting his ABC's. I want him to come home singing silly, new songs that'll get stuck in my head. I've thought about how perfect it'd be for him to fall asleep on the way home because school was such an awesome energy outlet. I've imagined what kind of friends he'd make or if the kids would even be nice. It may have even crossed my mind that preschool is my toddler's way to make up for those three hour naps he dropped 6 months ago. I have dreamt about what kind of human my son would grow into as he embarks on this journey of school and friends and the beginning of life.

But tonight, seven hours before he attends his first day of preschool, all those thoughts and questions lack any significance. All I can think about is the fact that ready or not my baby is growing up.The toddler years have been trying, but in this moment I want to freeze time. Keep him three forever. Soak in the unlimited kisses and the "Mommy, I love you bests" and the full on belly laughs. I want to savor the way he looks at me like I've never failed him, even though I'm certain at times I already have. When I ask him who his best friend is, my heart melts when he says, "mommy." I want to be the person my child sees me as.

While raising kids is hard and can, at times, take so much out of you, it is a job unlike any other. No job on the planet is as rewarding as parenting. Being a mom has taught me selflessness. It's taught me unconditional love. I'm still working on it teaching me patience, but considering my son is still alive I'd say I'm on the right track. Parenting has taught me to let go of the little things. That it's ok for the house to be messy. Sometimes. It's shown me that singing "The Farmer in the Dell" (is that even what the song is called?!) forty times is so much more important than scrolling through my newsfeed. Having a child has reminded me what it was like to be one. To live without a care in the world. To have an imagination that took you anywhere you wanted to go. To have such a blissful, positive outlook on life. My son has reminded how significant my role is. For me and for him. It is my responsibility to raise him up right. To teach him manners and respect. To help him learn how to deal with whatever life throws his way.

I grew up with a pretty good example of that myself. It's hard to think that tomorrow is a milestone I would be sharing with my son AND my mom. She'd be comforting me right now and telling me she felt the same way dropping me off on my first day. I'm almost certain she would have been waking up early to come with us for the big drop-off tomorrow. My mom told us, my siblings and I, our entire lives that she loved us more than anything in the world. I never got it until I had my own baby. I didn't know it was possible to love someone so hard. With every literal ounce of your being. But it is. And tomorrow is the first day of the rest of my son's life that I have to share him. I'll have to share him with teachers and friends. With sports and coaches. With future girlfriends, Heaven help me. But there is one thing I'm certain. No one will ever love my baby boy more than me. Nothing compares to a mother's love for her child except for maybe God's love for us. For now, I'm going to hug my boy a little tighter, sing with him a little longer, and laugh with him a lot louder. Because it will help me manage my three whole hours of letting go. I'm sure this is the first of many times that I'll be THAT mom. Sorry buddy!

To My Mother

To My Mother ( By: Talia Tyler)

To my mother, how I love you dear

It’s hard to imagine life without you here.

Throughout this life, hard as it may be

There are some lessons I took with me.

You taught me to laugh and that it’s ok to cry

What you didn’t teach me is how to say goodbye.

But don’t worry mom, I’ll be ok

Because if I close my eyes I can hear you say:

Be kind, give thanks, and open the door

‘Cause you never know who will need a kind gesture more.

Love your family and be a good friend

Build relationships that will last til the end.

Always be you, a daughter of God

For you, a hard life, the Savior did trod.

Every big moment I’ve shared with you

School, marriage, and a baby too.

But we both know it began long before then

You were always at every game to see me win.

Years full of dance recitals, you came to them all

Because of your support I never could fall.

When I needed a hug or a listening year

You’d give me your attention and draw me in near.

And don’t get me started on holidays,

Oh how you spoiled us in so many way.

From gifts, to cake, to a text in the morning

You made every birthday feel like I was soaring.

But here’s where I truly saw everything you’d done,

When that morning in April I welcomed a son.

I never understood what a mother’s love meant

Until I held that little boy that Heaven sent.

Motherhood is hard and yet, you kept us alive

Some days I feel like I’ll barely survive.

You opened my eyes to unconditional love

And how important eternal families are, here and above.

Of course I’m emotional, heartbroken, and sad

But somehow there’s a part of me that still feels glad.

Glad I was born to a wonderful mother like you

Blessed to have this life I was meant to go through.

Even though it feels like we’re so far apart,

I still feel the spirit warm and comfort my heart.

You taught me how to fight to live a rich life

To continue smiling through the grief and the strife.

Mom, what a selfless woman you are

You taught me to always reach for the stars.

Every part of life makes me think of you

Because I love you so much mother, I really do.

Some thoughts for Mom

I have never been much of a journal keeper, but there are significant lessons or experiences in my life when I feel prompted to record. I dont know if it's more for me to organize my thoughts and cope or maybe someone else needs to read or hear the same thing, but this entry is something I’ve had on my mind for the past two years and have struggled to put into words. My mom was put through the trial of her lifetime when she was diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer. These are my own thoughts on our family’s two-year fight, from the heart and eyes of her daughter.

From the day I was born, to the day that she died, I would describe my mom as selfless and loving. She lived for her family, specifically her kids, and her grandson. She went above and beyond with extra curriculars, birthdays, Christmas, any holiday really, and she was there for us 100% of the time. She was at every sporting event, every dance recital, every school play, and the list goes on and on. She set very high expectations of what a mother should be. As a kid it was so easy to take her for granted. We learned the hard way in May of 2015 that bad things happen to good people. Great people. And from that moment on I never took a day spent with my mom for granted. I probably bugged her too much to go on adventures with Rhett and I, but I cherish every memory the three of us shared. My mom lived for her grandson and she spoiled him like nobody’s business and well, that little boy whole-heartedly adored her right back. It hurts to think none of my future children will know her like Rhett does and I fear she will one day become a distant memory of his. But, I inherited my obsessive picture taking from her and probably have a photo from every play date spent with the three of us and I hope even though Rhett won’t remember all the details that when he sees a picture of his grandma or hears a mention of her, it will bring a smile to his face and he will remember how much she loved him.

My mom is a fighter and being so strong blessed us with an extra two years with her. She really lived life to the fullest during this time. She was able to take a Mexican cruise with her family, see Quinten graduate high school and leave on his mission, travel to Idaho to see Makaela graduate, followed by a trip to Yellowstone, multiple trips to Arizona to see her parents, several trips to Legoland, the beach, the park, the arcade, you name it. She had two years to fight and spend every waking second with her family.

The amount of pain and procedures and hospital visits this woman endured is incredible. I don’t think I would have ever been as brave as she was during this entire time and yet, her concern was always for us, her kids. I think it hurt her more to see us hurt and as a mom you want to protect your children from pain and sadness. 

Mom was a pure example of faith and we felt the blessings of everyone’s prayers consistently flooding in, even down to her last breath. Her health declined rapidly over the past month and we knew the end was drawing near. This week has been emotionally draining, but it surprises me the peace I have felt during this tragic event. I found the smallest things brought me joy throughout the week and I really started focusing on all the wonderful things I do have in my life. We have a Ducks flag on our car right now for playoffs and someone honking at me the other day shouting, “Go Ducks!” out their window just totally made my day. Later I took Rhett and Sadie for a walk on the coast and just felt so calm and comforted. I could feel Heavenly Father’s arms wrapped around me through these small and simple things. Even when the nurse called at 10:30 last night telling us she didn’t think mom would make it through the night we saw the blessings. The blessing of her making it past midnight so she didn’t leave us on my dad’s birthday. The fact that she held on an extra 2 hours so Makaela and Kyle could make it in time to say good bye. The fact that my dad had a letter in the mailbox that day from Quinten with his conversion story, we were able to read it to mom, and all feel the comfort from that. She was blessed the entire time with an amazing medical staff at Scripps Encinitas, who always kept us in the loop and sympathized with us. And Makaela is able to stay for the week so my dad doesn’t have to wake up to an empty house. Life is so so hard sometimes, but God is good. And if you look for it, you can see His hand in your life, especially through the hardest of times.       

I’m heart broken. I have a headache from crying so much and can barely apply mascara to my puffy eyes, but what I feel most is blessed and lucky. I feel lucky to have been born to the best mother ever. To have a mom who gave me every ounce of love I needed and then some. A mom who raised me in the gospel of Jesus Christ and showed me what it is to have self worth as a daughter of God. My mom taught me basic things that get lost in today’s world like manners and just general kindness. She showed me what it meant to be a true friend even when it wasn’t always reciprocated. I grew up sheltered, but I feel so so blessed that she “hid” me from the storms of the world. My parents gave me a loving home to learn and grow up in. Although I feel like our time with her was cut short, I wouldn’t trade the amazing 26 years I did have with her for anything! I will cherish our memories forever and even more so the ones we shared with my son. I can only hope to be a fraction of the mother she is, but I think the best compliment would be if someday my children felt about me the way I feel about her. I am grateful for the life I have been given. I have two wonderful parents, two supportive siblings, and a very special husband and son of my own. This mortal life is merely a short period of time compared to eternity. I believe time will fly much faster for mom than it will for us here, but there will come a time in the future when all of us will be reunited again and it will be a joyous reunion. I am so grateful for eternal families and for my testimony.

Our family has received so many acts of service during this difficult time and we appreciate all the visits, flowers, cards, meals, yard work, prayers and all around support. This experience would have been much more difficult without all the wonderful people we have in our lives.

I love you always mom! XOXO

She's Doing the Best She Can

I realize many of us (moms) share positive highlights and fun photos of our lives on social media, sometimes making us envious of each other. I don't know anyone whose life is complete bliss and never has anything go wrong. And I'm hoping I'm not alone in saying not every parenting moment is a joyous one.

My first mistake of today was thinking I could run in to Costco to develop a few pictures and then grab a card at Walmart with a sick, terrible twos, toddler in tow. Let me just throw in, my biggest pet peeve at Costco is cars who sit and wait for a parking spot just to be 10 feet closer to the door and hold up the rest of the line behind them. Even worse, I hate when people sit and wait for me when I have my purchases, a baby,  and a stroller to load in the car and I'm literally parked in the last spot in the row. People, you would get in the store quicker by just parking and walking farther! Anyway, then I'm pretty sure my child was everyone's worst nightmare in Walmart by either making a scene or throwing a tantrum in every stinkin isle. He's like a dog who has to sniff every blade of grass on a walk, and has to touch everything! You embarrassingly get one of two looks trying to make it through the store: the "I feel bad and I'm glad I'm not you" look, or the "control your bratty kid" look. Both leave you feeling shameful and wondering why you even bother leaving the house with your child anymore. But finally you leave the Walmart with less dignity than you walked in with (imagine that) and get in the car to find nothing on the radio but commercials and Justin Bieber. I'm pretty sure that was just so my patience trying day could get the last laugh.

Mom is one of the funnest but also one of the hardest job titles to live up to and be full time. Literally full time, as in ALL the time. Like with other jobs and careers, us moms don't get to turn in our badge at 5 o'clock and take off the rest of the night. We don't get weekends to focus on ourselves and relax. Sure we get to "stay home" but it's not like we spend the day eating bon bons in our underwear watching Gilmore Girls reruns, because that would be nice. No, we feed and clean up after our little people all day (and many times our husbands as well), we take the dog out and clean the house. We get the car washed and run everyone to appointments and activities. And yes, often times we have to brave the stores with our little monsters, little monsters we wouldn't trade for anything. So next time you're out and about don't judge the mom on her child's behavior in a moment you catch her in. She is probably an awesome mom and her children are most likely just as great. What you don't know from watching her in this one instance is that she'd been up all night with a sick toddler who wouldn't take his nap and just wanted to get a card to send her sick grandfather. Moms and kids need a change of scenery too. Give mom a break. Offer her help. Praise her on a job well done. There is only one person moms rarely think of focusing or spending time on...herself.

I love being a mom. It is the lifelong job I always dreamed of having. Sometimes I feel as though my heart could burst from how much love it holds for my son, Rhett. Unfortunately, I'm still human and have my moments of weakness, exhaustion, and impatience. But you would be mistaken if you didn't think I put my best effort in what every day throws at me in raising him. I want him to be an independent, hard working, respectful person as he grows up. I will teach him the best I can those values. Even after a frustrating day, as I'm finishing typing this rant, he runs over to me pretending to blow his racing flag from Monster Jam as a trumpet, making me laugh.

Mom needs her children as much as they need her so please, just give her a break and trust that she's doing the best she can.

Afraid of Living

I've been debating whether or not to even write this entry. For the most part I've been trying to keep my feelings inside, at least the weak ones, but I like writing things down. It helps me organize my thoughts and get things off my chest.

 

A month ago my mom was having a lot of weird health effects so she went into the hospital to have some tests run to see what was going. We figured something odd was happening to her liver, hepatitis or something. I knew when my dad called me later that night crying, the worst was about to come. My mom had been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. Cancer had never even crossed our minds! How can a 50 year old wife and mother have cancer already? Her children aren't little kids, but we're all under the age of 24! She only has one grandchild so far. Her mother was diagnosed with the SAME cancer a mere 7 months prior! When my dad told me my mom had terminal cancer I fell to the floor bawling. There was nothing else to do. I'm pretty sure I've never cried so hard and long before in my life. It was pretty much 24 hours straight of this surreal feeling that your mom will never see you grow up. She won't meet all your children. She won't be there to celebrate your 30th birthday or her 50th wedding anniversary. Every horrible thought and new reality pops into your head. My brother is still in high school. How is it possible that she might not see him graduate or go on mission or get married? How do you continue to have and raise your kids without your mom around? I have had a relationship with my grandparents my entire life. I lost a grandpa to cancer at 15 years old but I still have many fond memories of him. It breaks my heart that Rhett, and any future children, won't have that. My mom loves Rhett, I think almost more than anything. It's so tender the way she almost begs to babysit him at night or hugs him when we come over. Why does she and he have to be robbed of that? This list can go on and on and unfortunately it does. Everyday in the back of your mind this list gets longer and every night you try to go to sleep it haunts you.

On June 22nd I took my mom to her chemo orientation, where they explained everything about chemo and what was going to happen. And it was hard to hear. Chemotherapy makes it feel so real, not that it didn't feel real before, but now it's like ok this is it. This is your one chance to fight for your life, literally. My mom tries to be strong, I don't know if for us or herself, probably both, but I know she's scared. She's afraid to lose her hair and be sick and half the other potential side effects. I'm scared for her too. I hope she can still feel beautiful and loved because she is. My mom is a stubborn woman and she's a fighter and I hope her body is on the same page. I hope she can react well to the chemo and it can buy her more time. In this situation that's all we can ask and hope for, is as much time as possible. Luckily, her surgeries to get the stents and port put in went well this week, so she starts chemo/her fight on my birthday, June 29th. Not exactly the way you want to remember your birthday :/

I sympathize with everyone who has been in this situation. It's not easy news to hear or live with. Part of you feels like life can't go on. You feel like if only you could freeze time you could slip more memories in. But you can't. You have to fake a smile and tell people you're ok because it helps you believe you are. Some days are easier than others. It simply becomes this new reality you would have rather had no part in. But as hard as it is, life has to go on. I have a husband and a baby to take care of. I have younger siblings and a dad to be strong for. Most importantly, I have a mom living with cancer that is trying to take her life and only needs my help, support, and love right now.

Cancer puts a new perspective on things that's for sure. You value every second you have together. It brings your family even closer. It teaches you how strong someone really is. It makes you want to be a better person because you realize how short life can really be. It makes you want to treat others better in general because they could be going through a hard time like you. My family has received an outpouring of love from family, friends, and members of the church and we appreciate it. I've also experienced the flip side of being treated like crap on top of everything I'm dealing with, like a rude lady at church of all places the weekend my mom was diagnosed. Everyone has trials. Everyone has hard stuff they are dealing with. Unfortunately that's just life. I have experienced every emotion in the past month except one, anger. I've been devastated, worried, sad, anxious, and scared, but never angry. I'm not mad at God for "letting" this happen to my mom. I know He will take care of us. I know He will take care of her. I believe in the Plan of Salvation and I believe in eternal families. I have faith in the Lord's plan for our family. Does that make the situation any less painful? No, not really. We're human. We are meant to experience joys and pains. My mom having pancreatic cancer will always make me sad. It will be something I struggle with every day for the rest of my life. But I love my mom and I hope she knows her family is ALWAYS there for her. She will always be one of the most important people in my life. She will always be one of my favorite people in life. My mom has always been a selfless person, especially when it came to her kids. I'm not afraid of my mom dying, I'm afraid of living without her.

{Rhett.is.One!}

I cannot believe it is already my baby's 1st birthday! Seriously what happen to the past year?! Our lives and family have changed so much since welcoming our little Rhett into the world.  I can remember every detail about being in labor and our experience at the hospital, to finally meeting our baby boy like it was yesterday.  I remember feeling anxious and scared, and definitely tired, but most of all beyond excited to finally have him here.  As soon as I met my son and saw that he was a thriving, healthy baby, nothing else mattered.  Enduring pregnancy, and labor, and every form of child birth all became so worth it in an instant: the instant I saw my husband standing by my head with our son.  Every worry, every pain, every "pregnant" hormonal breakdown, every ounce of preparation, led us to this moment.

 For as long as I can remember, my goal in life was to be a wife and mother.  In high school while all my friends planned their futures; where to go to school, what to major in, what career they would work towards, I remember feeling discouraged and almost ashamed because I didn't know what major or career I should be planning for.  All I knew was I wanted to be a stay at home mom when I grew up.  Working as a nanny for years only confirmed that.  In the meantime, I went to school, worked to support myself and by 19 met my special someone.  We followed the little chant we'd sing teasingly as kids: 1st comes love, then comes marriage, and then, in the summer of 2013, decided we were ready for the baby in the baby carriage.  I guess God made pregnancy take 40 weeks because it gives us women more than enough time to prepare for the baby and ourselves.  By week 35 you don't care what happens as long as the baby gets out healthy.  And like now!

 Having a baby is the most rewarding experience I've ever had.  Those first couple days literally feel like you're holding a little, piece of Heaven.  There isn't anything more perfect than a newborn, regardless of their shape, size, or sex.  They are a perfect blessing sent from our Heavenly Father and it is humbling to realize how much faith he has in us to give us the responsibility of teaching and raising one of His precious spirits.  Sometimes I can't help but tear up when I think about Rhett's birth.  Not because it was physically and emotionally the hardest thing I've ever done, but because of how much love I feel for him.  I got a lot of advice while pregnant with Rhett and some of it I took to heart, but a lot of it I brushed off because no one can really describe what it's like to be a mom.  Everyone can relate stories and tell you how much you will love your kids but it's not something you can really understand until you experience it yourself.  I had no idea how much love my heart could hold for one, little, 9 pound stranger.  I had no idea my love would grow even more with each passing day since for this baby.  Some days I literally feel like my heart could burst with love for this boy.  I didn't know we could go so long without sleep and still function (well sort of).  I never thought I was a patient person until I had my own child.  I didn't know that when you hit your wit's last end and are ready to scream with frustration that your heart would still ache for your baby because he's obviously having a bad day too.  When I was pregnant, people would tell my husband and I, "spend as much time together as you can because once the baby comes that's over for awhile."  But no one told me it'd be even better holding each other's hand while pushing our little ball of perfection in the stroller.  I didn't realize you'd have just as many cherish-able experiences with three as you did two.


My baby is hardly even a baby anymore and it is crazy that we are already celebrating his first birthday!

Rhett Daniel Tyler you have brought so much joy to our lives and I have learned more about myself than I ever thought possible.  Since day one you have brought such a sweet spirit and happiness into my life.  I love you more than anyone else will ever love you.  You have always been such an easy baby.  We saw you smile for the first time when you were only four days old and my heart just melts every time I have seen it since.  I was shocked when you came out with this light, blonde, hair and I have loved every second of watching you grow.  I'm glad you look like daddy.  I fell in love with daddy first, before I even knew you'd be coming and now every time I look at you, I can see both loves of my life.  You are a crazy little boy, always going, and always looking to explore something new.  I love your laugh, and your "dancing", and the way you light up when I show you your can of snacks.  You are such a ham and love making people laugh and I hope you stay that person forever.  We need more laughter in the world.  You are the cutest, little chunk which is great because it means even more rolls to love!  I love how excited you get when you see an animal or the pool because those are some of mommy's favorite things too.  I was so nervous when I found out we were having a boy and shamefully disappointed and I've regretted it ever since.  I love you! I love having you to hang out with every day.  You're my best buddy. I'm glad Heavenly Father sent you as my son and as my first.  You are more perfect than I could have ever asked for.  As my first, you will always hold a special place in my heart that no one else can ever have.  I'm sorry if life may seem unfair sometimes because of that.  I'm sorry if you ever feel like the "guinea pig" child. Trust me I know how that feels but you also have advantages no one else will have.  You are the only one who will ever know what it feels like to have my undivided attention every second of every day.  You have taught me what it truly means to put others before myself.  Rarely do I ever think ME anymore, I'm constantly thinking YOU.  You have taught me patience beyond measure (sorry if sometimes I lose it, I promise I try my best).  You have taught me unconditional love.  Even on the rare occasion that you just cry and scream and nothing I do calms you and I just want to throw you out the window (again sorry, I wouldn't ever actually do that), I still love you're guts and my heart aches for you. You will always be my first, my baby boy.  Sometimes I feel like super mom, like when I went through labor and giving birth to you and other times I feel like a total screw up, like when you fell off our bed for the first time.  Please remember I'm trying my best.  I would never intentionally do anything to hurt you.  I hope you live life to the fullest.  I hope you will always know how much your mommy and daddy love you.  Most importantly, I hope you will never forget you also have a Father in Heaven who loves you.  It wasn't until I had you that I realized how much He must love us.  Remember who you are as His son.  Don't be afraid to be different.  Don't be afraid to stand up for what's right, even if you're standing alone.  Be a good example.  Be that infectious light.  Live by the gospel, in such a way that those around you will want what you have.  Life is hard.  Living in this world is hard and only getting worse.  But I promise as hard as they may be to follow sometimes, the commandments make life so much easier and enjoyable.  Thanks for loving me unconditionally back, at least for now.  I know you won't always look at your mom as your best friend so I'm gonna soak it up while it lasts ;) You are beautiful inside and out.  You're still little and just starting out in this crazy thing called life, but I love who you are and I wouldn't change a thing about you.  You make mommy a better person.  And I hope someday you will be able to say the same about me.  I love you Rhett! More than you will ever know and more than I could ever describe but I love you my baby and wish you the happiest of birthdays!!! XOXO