I've been debating whether or not to even write this entry. For the most part I've been trying to keep my feelings inside, at least the weak ones, but I like writing things down. It helps me organize my thoughts and get things off my chest.
A month ago my mom was having a lot of weird health effects so she went into the hospital to have some tests run to see what was going. We figured something odd was happening to her liver, hepatitis or something. I knew when my dad called me later that night crying, the worst was about to come. My mom had been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. Cancer had never even crossed our minds! How can a 50 year old wife and mother have cancer already? Her children aren't little kids, but we're all under the age of 24! She only has one grandchild so far. Her mother was diagnosed with the SAME cancer a mere 7 months prior! When my dad told me my mom had terminal cancer I fell to the floor bawling. There was nothing else to do. I'm pretty sure I've never cried so hard and long before in my life. It was pretty much 24 hours straight of this surreal feeling that your mom will never see you grow up. She won't meet all your children. She won't be there to celebrate your 30th birthday or her 50th wedding anniversary. Every horrible thought and new reality pops into your head. My brother is still in high school. How is it possible that she might not see him graduate or go on mission or get married? How do you continue to have and raise your kids without your mom around? I have had a relationship with my grandparents my entire life. I lost a grandpa to cancer at 15 years old but I still have many fond memories of him. It breaks my heart that Rhett, and any future children, won't have that. My mom loves Rhett, I think almost more than anything. It's so tender the way she almost begs to babysit him at night or hugs him when we come over. Why does she and he have to be robbed of that? This list can go on and on and unfortunately it does. Everyday in the back of your mind this list gets longer and every night you try to go to sleep it haunts you.
On June 22nd I took my mom to her chemo orientation, where they explained everything about chemo and what was going to happen. And it was hard to hear. Chemotherapy makes it feel so real, not that it didn't feel real before, but now it's like ok this is it. This is your one chance to fight for your life, literally. My mom tries to be strong, I don't know if for us or herself, probably both, but I know she's scared. She's afraid to lose her hair and be sick and half the other potential side effects. I'm scared for her too. I hope she can still feel beautiful and loved because she is. My mom is a stubborn woman and she's a fighter and I hope her body is on the same page. I hope she can react well to the chemo and it can buy her more time. In this situation that's all we can ask and hope for, is as much time as possible. Luckily, her surgeries to get the stents and port put in went well this week, so she starts chemo/her fight on my birthday, June 29th. Not exactly the way you want to remember your birthday :/I sympathize with everyone who has been in this situation. It's not easy news to hear or live with. Part of you feels like life can't go on. You feel like if only you could freeze time you could slip more memories in. But you can't. You have to fake a smile and tell people you're ok because it helps you believe you are. Some days are easier than others. It simply becomes this new reality you would have rather had no part in. But as hard as it is, life has to go on. I have a husband and a baby to take care of. I have younger siblings and a dad to be strong for. Most importantly, I have a mom living with cancer that is trying to take her life and only needs my help, support, and love right now.
Cancer puts a new perspective on things that's for sure. You value every second you have together. It brings your family even closer. It teaches you how strong someone really is. It makes you want to be a better person because you realize how short life can really be. It makes you want to treat others better in general because they could be going through a hard time like you. My family has received an outpouring of love from family, friends, and members of the church and we appreciate it. I've also experienced the flip side of being treated like crap on top of everything I'm dealing with, like a rude lady at church of all places the weekend my mom was diagnosed. Everyone has trials. Everyone has hard stuff they are dealing with. Unfortunately that's just life. I have experienced every emotion in the past month except one, anger. I've been devastated, worried, sad, anxious, and scared, but never angry. I'm not mad at God for "letting" this happen to my mom. I know He will take care of us. I know He will take care of her. I believe in the Plan of Salvation and I believe in eternal families. I have faith in the Lord's plan for our family. Does that make the situation any less painful? No, not really. We're human. We are meant to experience joys and pains. My mom having pancreatic cancer will always make me sad. It will be something I struggle with every day for the rest of my life. But I love my mom and I hope she knows her family is ALWAYS there for her. She will always be one of the most important people in my life. She will always be one of my favorite people in life. My mom has always been a selfless person, especially when it came to her kids. I'm not afraid of my mom dying, I'm afraid of living without her.
