Afraid of Living

I've been debating whether or not to even write this entry. For the most part I've been trying to keep my feelings inside, at least the weak ones, but I like writing things down. It helps me organize my thoughts and get things off my chest.

 

A month ago my mom was having a lot of weird health effects so she went into the hospital to have some tests run to see what was going. We figured something odd was happening to her liver, hepatitis or something. I knew when my dad called me later that night crying, the worst was about to come. My mom had been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. Cancer had never even crossed our minds! How can a 50 year old wife and mother have cancer already? Her children aren't little kids, but we're all under the age of 24! She only has one grandchild so far. Her mother was diagnosed with the SAME cancer a mere 7 months prior! When my dad told me my mom had terminal cancer I fell to the floor bawling. There was nothing else to do. I'm pretty sure I've never cried so hard and long before in my life. It was pretty much 24 hours straight of this surreal feeling that your mom will never see you grow up. She won't meet all your children. She won't be there to celebrate your 30th birthday or her 50th wedding anniversary. Every horrible thought and new reality pops into your head. My brother is still in high school. How is it possible that she might not see him graduate or go on mission or get married? How do you continue to have and raise your kids without your mom around? I have had a relationship with my grandparents my entire life. I lost a grandpa to cancer at 15 years old but I still have many fond memories of him. It breaks my heart that Rhett, and any future children, won't have that. My mom loves Rhett, I think almost more than anything. It's so tender the way she almost begs to babysit him at night or hugs him when we come over. Why does she and he have to be robbed of that? This list can go on and on and unfortunately it does. Everyday in the back of your mind this list gets longer and every night you try to go to sleep it haunts you.

On June 22nd I took my mom to her chemo orientation, where they explained everything about chemo and what was going to happen. And it was hard to hear. Chemotherapy makes it feel so real, not that it didn't feel real before, but now it's like ok this is it. This is your one chance to fight for your life, literally. My mom tries to be strong, I don't know if for us or herself, probably both, but I know she's scared. She's afraid to lose her hair and be sick and half the other potential side effects. I'm scared for her too. I hope she can still feel beautiful and loved because she is. My mom is a stubborn woman and she's a fighter and I hope her body is on the same page. I hope she can react well to the chemo and it can buy her more time. In this situation that's all we can ask and hope for, is as much time as possible. Luckily, her surgeries to get the stents and port put in went well this week, so she starts chemo/her fight on my birthday, June 29th. Not exactly the way you want to remember your birthday :/

I sympathize with everyone who has been in this situation. It's not easy news to hear or live with. Part of you feels like life can't go on. You feel like if only you could freeze time you could slip more memories in. But you can't. You have to fake a smile and tell people you're ok because it helps you believe you are. Some days are easier than others. It simply becomes this new reality you would have rather had no part in. But as hard as it is, life has to go on. I have a husband and a baby to take care of. I have younger siblings and a dad to be strong for. Most importantly, I have a mom living with cancer that is trying to take her life and only needs my help, support, and love right now.

Cancer puts a new perspective on things that's for sure. You value every second you have together. It brings your family even closer. It teaches you how strong someone really is. It makes you want to be a better person because you realize how short life can really be. It makes you want to treat others better in general because they could be going through a hard time like you. My family has received an outpouring of love from family, friends, and members of the church and we appreciate it. I've also experienced the flip side of being treated like crap on top of everything I'm dealing with, like a rude lady at church of all places the weekend my mom was diagnosed. Everyone has trials. Everyone has hard stuff they are dealing with. Unfortunately that's just life. I have experienced every emotion in the past month except one, anger. I've been devastated, worried, sad, anxious, and scared, but never angry. I'm not mad at God for "letting" this happen to my mom. I know He will take care of us. I know He will take care of her. I believe in the Plan of Salvation and I believe in eternal families. I have faith in the Lord's plan for our family. Does that make the situation any less painful? No, not really. We're human. We are meant to experience joys and pains. My mom having pancreatic cancer will always make me sad. It will be something I struggle with every day for the rest of my life. But I love my mom and I hope she knows her family is ALWAYS there for her. She will always be one of the most important people in my life. She will always be one of my favorite people in life. My mom has always been a selfless person, especially when it came to her kids. I'm not afraid of my mom dying, I'm afraid of living without her.

{Rhett.is.One!}

I cannot believe it is already my baby's 1st birthday! Seriously what happen to the past year?! Our lives and family have changed so much since welcoming our little Rhett into the world.  I can remember every detail about being in labor and our experience at the hospital, to finally meeting our baby boy like it was yesterday.  I remember feeling anxious and scared, and definitely tired, but most of all beyond excited to finally have him here.  As soon as I met my son and saw that he was a thriving, healthy baby, nothing else mattered.  Enduring pregnancy, and labor, and every form of child birth all became so worth it in an instant: the instant I saw my husband standing by my head with our son.  Every worry, every pain, every "pregnant" hormonal breakdown, every ounce of preparation, led us to this moment.

 For as long as I can remember, my goal in life was to be a wife and mother.  In high school while all my friends planned their futures; where to go to school, what to major in, what career they would work towards, I remember feeling discouraged and almost ashamed because I didn't know what major or career I should be planning for.  All I knew was I wanted to be a stay at home mom when I grew up.  Working as a nanny for years only confirmed that.  In the meantime, I went to school, worked to support myself and by 19 met my special someone.  We followed the little chant we'd sing teasingly as kids: 1st comes love, then comes marriage, and then, in the summer of 2013, decided we were ready for the baby in the baby carriage.  I guess God made pregnancy take 40 weeks because it gives us women more than enough time to prepare for the baby and ourselves.  By week 35 you don't care what happens as long as the baby gets out healthy.  And like now!

 Having a baby is the most rewarding experience I've ever had.  Those first couple days literally feel like you're holding a little, piece of Heaven.  There isn't anything more perfect than a newborn, regardless of their shape, size, or sex.  They are a perfect blessing sent from our Heavenly Father and it is humbling to realize how much faith he has in us to give us the responsibility of teaching and raising one of His precious spirits.  Sometimes I can't help but tear up when I think about Rhett's birth.  Not because it was physically and emotionally the hardest thing I've ever done, but because of how much love I feel for him.  I got a lot of advice while pregnant with Rhett and some of it I took to heart, but a lot of it I brushed off because no one can really describe what it's like to be a mom.  Everyone can relate stories and tell you how much you will love your kids but it's not something you can really understand until you experience it yourself.  I had no idea how much love my heart could hold for one, little, 9 pound stranger.  I had no idea my love would grow even more with each passing day since for this baby.  Some days I literally feel like my heart could burst with love for this boy.  I didn't know we could go so long without sleep and still function (well sort of).  I never thought I was a patient person until I had my own child.  I didn't know that when you hit your wit's last end and are ready to scream with frustration that your heart would still ache for your baby because he's obviously having a bad day too.  When I was pregnant, people would tell my husband and I, "spend as much time together as you can because once the baby comes that's over for awhile."  But no one told me it'd be even better holding each other's hand while pushing our little ball of perfection in the stroller.  I didn't realize you'd have just as many cherish-able experiences with three as you did two.


My baby is hardly even a baby anymore and it is crazy that we are already celebrating his first birthday!

Rhett Daniel Tyler you have brought so much joy to our lives and I have learned more about myself than I ever thought possible.  Since day one you have brought such a sweet spirit and happiness into my life.  I love you more than anyone else will ever love you.  You have always been such an easy baby.  We saw you smile for the first time when you were only four days old and my heart just melts every time I have seen it since.  I was shocked when you came out with this light, blonde, hair and I have loved every second of watching you grow.  I'm glad you look like daddy.  I fell in love with daddy first, before I even knew you'd be coming and now every time I look at you, I can see both loves of my life.  You are a crazy little boy, always going, and always looking to explore something new.  I love your laugh, and your "dancing", and the way you light up when I show you your can of snacks.  You are such a ham and love making people laugh and I hope you stay that person forever.  We need more laughter in the world.  You are the cutest, little chunk which is great because it means even more rolls to love!  I love how excited you get when you see an animal or the pool because those are some of mommy's favorite things too.  I was so nervous when I found out we were having a boy and shamefully disappointed and I've regretted it ever since.  I love you! I love having you to hang out with every day.  You're my best buddy. I'm glad Heavenly Father sent you as my son and as my first.  You are more perfect than I could have ever asked for.  As my first, you will always hold a special place in my heart that no one else can ever have.  I'm sorry if life may seem unfair sometimes because of that.  I'm sorry if you ever feel like the "guinea pig" child. Trust me I know how that feels but you also have advantages no one else will have.  You are the only one who will ever know what it feels like to have my undivided attention every second of every day.  You have taught me what it truly means to put others before myself.  Rarely do I ever think ME anymore, I'm constantly thinking YOU.  You have taught me patience beyond measure (sorry if sometimes I lose it, I promise I try my best).  You have taught me unconditional love.  Even on the rare occasion that you just cry and scream and nothing I do calms you and I just want to throw you out the window (again sorry, I wouldn't ever actually do that), I still love you're guts and my heart aches for you. You will always be my first, my baby boy.  Sometimes I feel like super mom, like when I went through labor and giving birth to you and other times I feel like a total screw up, like when you fell off our bed for the first time.  Please remember I'm trying my best.  I would never intentionally do anything to hurt you.  I hope you live life to the fullest.  I hope you will always know how much your mommy and daddy love you.  Most importantly, I hope you will never forget you also have a Father in Heaven who loves you.  It wasn't until I had you that I realized how much He must love us.  Remember who you are as His son.  Don't be afraid to be different.  Don't be afraid to stand up for what's right, even if you're standing alone.  Be a good example.  Be that infectious light.  Live by the gospel, in such a way that those around you will want what you have.  Life is hard.  Living in this world is hard and only getting worse.  But I promise as hard as they may be to follow sometimes, the commandments make life so much easier and enjoyable.  Thanks for loving me unconditionally back, at least for now.  I know you won't always look at your mom as your best friend so I'm gonna soak it up while it lasts ;) You are beautiful inside and out.  You're still little and just starting out in this crazy thing called life, but I love who you are and I wouldn't change a thing about you.  You make mommy a better person.  And I hope someday you will be able to say the same about me.  I love you Rhett! More than you will ever know and more than I could ever describe but I love you my baby and wish you the happiest of birthdays!!! XOXO